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  • Writer's pictureThe Daily Kernel

Captain Hook Urges US Government to Ban Tik Tok



May 1, 2023


NEVERLAND RANCH, CA - In a surprising turn of events, notorious pirate Captain James Hook has come out in strong support of the US Government's proposed ban on Tik Tok, the popular social media app. The announcement has confused many, especially considering Tik Tok is not available in Neverland, where the Captain spends most of his time. The villainous captain is, however, well known for becoming agitated by the "tick tock" sound produced by mechanical clocks, after having his hand bitten off by a crocodile that previously swallowed a ticking alarm clock.


Sources close to the captain say that he sees the proposed ban as a a way to finally rid the world of the sound that has tormented him for so long. "The Capt’n has always hated the sound of ticking clocks," said First Mate Mr. Smee. "He thinks that the government is finally trying to ban it."


When asked about the potential implications of a Tik Tok ban on the public landscape, Captain Hook had little to say. "Blast that incessant ticking and the cursed beast that follows me!" he declared. "If the ban means that I never have to hear it again, then Good Form!"


However, Mr. Smee tried to explain to the Captain that the proposed ban is not about the sound produced by mechanical clocks but the social media app. "Oh, Capt'n, they’re not trying to ban tick tock the sound, they’re trying to ban Tik Tok, the social media app!"


Captain Hook was reportedly flabbergasted by this explanation and cried out “SMEEEEE” before suffering what some witnesses would identify as a panic attack. Mr. Smee managed to calm the flustered Captain by ushering him back aboard their Brig, the Jolly Roger. Nevertheless, the Captain remains steadfast in his support of the proposed ban, citing his longstanding hatred of the sound "tick tock" as the driving force behind his decision.

Whether or not the US Government will take his stance into account as they debate the proposed Tik Tok ban remains to be seen.


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